I've Been Away

I had been day dreaming for quite a while about my life after my Mother no longer lived with me. I loved my Mother and I worked hard to keep her at home, but at the same time I longed for my life before my parents moved in. I wanted to wake up on a weekend morning and have no particular reason to get out of bed. I wanted to make last minute plans to meet up with friends. I wanted to go food shopping without getting coverage for my Mother at home. As my Mother progressed I went deeper into my project management role, trying to keep it all together and ensure she was taken care of. I wasn't allowing myself to become emotional as I didn't know for how long I needed to hold it together. When I realized that her time was nearing the end, I was actually surprised. A few days before her passing, it dawned on me that I was losing my Mother. I had not looked at it that way. I was so focused on making sure she received her medication, that she was bathed, that she was eating, that she was happy, that I wasn't realizing that I would be without my Mother. How could this have snuck up on me after taking care of her for so long, knowing the path she was on? After my Mother passed, I had all the free time I had been dreaming about. I found myself, however, not knowing what to do with my free time. I came home from work and hung out in the attached apartment where she had lived. It was the routine I knew and that's what I had to do. I knew it would eventually pass and it did. I stopped spending time in her apartment watching tv and instead moved my gym equipment there. I went on a few get aways and saw old friends. Strangely, I found myself less productive after her passing. I had myself so scheduled and found that after I dropped my schedule, I wasn't making time for the gym, for boxing, for proper food shopping. I was more healthy when my Mother was with me! I'm adjusting to this new phase of life and making efforts to continue my workouts, but at home rather than the gym. If I have the equipment here, I should use it. I talk to my Mother occasionally when I pass through her apartment. I miss her jokes, her singing, her nagging about wanting Dunkin Donuts, and her love of all things alcohol. I don't miss the struggles of dealing with care providers, of watching her progress, or the times I let my frustration get the better of me. I have my life back to myself, but I wish I could have a few more days with the funny lady from her healthy days. She will be missed.

Nova Scotia Road Trip

My Mother and i left the Boston area a few days ago on a road trip to Nova Scotia. I was trying to re-create the yearly trip my Mother did, as this could likely be her last given her health issues. We stayed at a little motel in Pocologan, New Brunswick the first night. It was definitely motel style but the view along the water was very pretty. The next day we finished our trip into Nova Scotia. It rained for the entire 4 hour drive but it was worth it to finally arrive in Great Village. I had no memory of meeting my cousin before, but he remembered seeing me when I was about 7. We chatted a bit and ended up in his garden for some macro photography. The bugs feasted on my scalp and one ended up in my nose, but I hope the photos will be worth it. After a long visit we went on to see more relatives just next door. When I got to the front door, I was stung by a hornet. It took me by surprise and I must admit, I react loudly when frightened. I kicked off my flip flop after the hornet stung me on the toe, and ripped off my over-shirt as I thought he had flown into it. I did this while screaming my bloody head off and running around the front of his house like an idiot on fire. This is what my cousin saw after about a 15 year hiatus. I'm sure he was quite impressed with how much I had matured over those years.

The next day we drove to Livingstone Cove to a beautiful vacation rental home along the water, where we are as I type. Two cousins from Halifax are staying with us and today we drove to Goldboro to visit an old family home. I expected everything to be the same so it could still match the memories in my head, but time changes things. The old fishing pier was gone and so were my chances to photograph it. The house had aged quite a bit but I still had fresh memories of the old stove that was also used to heat the house, and the smell of the house itself. Each of the places I have memories of visiting when I was a kid include memories of scents and those come back to me quickly, bringing a feeling of comfort to offset the visual changes that have occurred. Sadly, the loss of the pier also took with it the memory of that low tide smell and the catch of the day wafting from the fishing boats pulling in to unload. I was glad to have visited but left feeling a little disappointed.

There will be more visits during our road trip and I'm glad my Mother is out here once again. This is where she had a lot of happy memories created and she's forgetting more and more of them. I just wish I could bottle the smells of my childhood and bring them home.

Breaking Out of a Rut

I've been making changes that I feel good about but have still felt that there was more to be done. I became a vegetarian about 3 months ago and while I'm not dieting, it has resulted in positive changes on it's own. I'm eating much healthier and diverse foods and no longer hit the fast food drive-thru's. Ok, I occasionally indulge in fries from Wendy's but the whoppers and mcnuggets are no longer a part of my life. Due to these changes, I have dropped some weight and that felt good initially. I then hit a rut and needed to push myself a bit further and realized I was relying on eggs and cheese too much for protein. I ventured out even further to make more food changes and that has been a positive experience. I enjoy more beans, quinoa, brown rice and nuts. I still have eggs and cheese but they aren't a main part of my meals, except for my favorite goat cheese and arugula salad. So delicious!

I've put off buying nicer, less frumpy clothes as I always thought I should lose more weight before spending the money. When I did buy clothes, I got them on the large size and relied a lot on sweaters to cover the parts of me I didn't want to see. As more time passed, I began to feel I was becoming one big sweater. People at work saw me as a sweater. They saw me change colors from green one day to black the next, but still a sweater. I had finally had enough but didn't quite realize it. I took the old lady to Nordstrom to start looking for an outfit for my Niece's wedding. A wonderful woman put an ensemble together that looked great! I bought a dress I thought would be ok for the wedding and good for work. I also bought a couple of frumpy tops for weekend wear. After we paid for the clothes I felt my shopping wasn't done and I ventured into a frump-free section. The sales person thought I was lost based on how I appeared to her, but became very excited when I touched something I liked but was afraid I couldn't wear. I suddenly found myself in the middle of a great shopping g experience. I normally wear long dresses and skirts to hide the thick ankles I received from my Grandmother, the kind that start out a bit thick in the morning and ooze throughout the day as they retain my fluid intake. I found myself in a dressing room with a St. John skirt on which fell just below my knees. Soon a pair of heels were on my feet and as I walked out to model the outfit, I felt good inside and the excellent sales person commented that I was holding myself differently. I loved every moment of it and have been wearing different pieces to work this week. Although my oozing ankles are on display, I feel better. I don't feel like I'm hiding in my clothes. It helps to hear the comments from others and it definitely helps to see the look of surprise on some faces. I realize now that I needed to break out of that rut and stop putting off looking nice and feeling nice until I was at some arbitrary acceptable weight. I needed to do this for my professional side. I feel more confident already and that's something I had been losing over time. The clothes aren't the answer to my problems or issues, but I feel better now that I'm not burying myself under my sweaters and loose clothes. It's a great step in the direction I've been heading and it motivates me to move a little more purposefully on this path.

Add It To The List

Ok, I get that the point of having a blog is to frequently add to it. I did the same thing with my journal. I would write a lot, then nothing for long periods of time. I felt I had nothing interesting to write about. Yes, that's right, I didn't want to bore myself with the mundane details of my own life. Actually, my life isn't all that mundane. I simply struggle with all I have to or want to do. I don't like having a lot hanging over my head, but I've arranged my life to have exactly that. I have lists. I have physical lists. I have mental lists. I have lists on paper and lists on my computer and lists on my iPhone, and I think I will start a list on my iPad. I need to create a master list of where all my lists are, and a list of any passwords I may have set up to access these lists. I also need to take a screen shot of my brain so I can view the mental list as I keep forgetting the items on that. I lose the lists. I have stray pieces of paper with lists of important things to remember. I stick them places where, at the time, seem to be quite logical but when I need those lists, I can't find them. Then when I'm frantically looking for something else, I come across a stray list and I put it on a desk or table or something logical to start an important pile.

Oh yes, I have piles. I have stacks of piles containing many important lists and other documents. I have piles of mail. Some of those piles are of opened mail. Most of the piles are of unopened mail. I hate mail. Mail is evil. Mail is depressing. Nothing good arrives in the mail. When is the last time you received a nice hand written note from a friend in the mail? Mail contains bills. Mail contains credit card offers. Mail contains attitude. There's attitude in mail looking for me to donate to a cause. It makes me feel badly that I would let children in other countries starve to death or go without clean water. It scolds me for allowing animals to be abused or used for cosmetic testing. It tells me I'm inadequate for not staying on top of the latest fashion trends. It is disgusted by the fact that I'm not trying every diet imaginable to lose my excess belly fat. So it gets piled until I feel emotionally strong enough to acknowledge all my shortcomings and then create another pile for the sensitive mail I need to shred. After all, I don't want those guys at the recycling center to start obtaining credit cards in my name because I didn't shred all the offers I've received. The thought of my personal info being on display for the world of recyclers to see is too much to handle. Then I think about how I can get a free credit report each year to see who has been stealing my personal info, but I keep forgetting to. That's on my mental list. Ah, but now it is also on my blog so I will have to remember to read all entries occasionally to see what I needed to tell myself to remember.

By now you may have a little more insight as to why I'm always so tired. I exhaust myself. I worry. I think. I put things off because I don't have the energy to make a decision or take action at the time. It gets piled up back onto the mental list or a string of e-mails I need to respond to or a blog I need to update or a donation I need to make for my friend's walk a thon even though that foundation will send me more mail to thank me for my donation and then endless piles of mail to ask me for more donations which I feel should be shredded and then it ends up back in that pile which has now been moved to a large bag because the pile was toppling over. Exhaustion.

Some people like lists. They like pulling it out because they know exactly where it is. That makes them feel good, in control, and a bit smug. Then they like crossing items off their list. That makes them feel accomplished and they get to move on to the next item, probably in order of placement on the list. In contrast, lists annoy me. I like the start of a list, a blank slate with so many possibilities. I have grand thoughts of becoming one of those accomplished, smug individuals just by creating a list. But as soon as I place my first item on the list I know it will end up at the bottom of my bag with someone's number written on the back or floating somewhere in my car with chewed gum stuck to it because I can't toss the gum out the window in case some bird tried to eat it and it became lodged in it's throat. I've seen the consequences of that. I think the Humane Society sent me a piece of mail asking for my help for gum choking birds.

I Feel Great!

I wish I had been documenting the research I've been doing on food more frequently, as there is so much to share and remember.  Making the time to sit and write proves to be challenging but I have a great update to give today.  It has been a couple of weeks since I quit eating meat.  I was telling a friend today that my newly healthy eating came about so easily once I placed the focus on animals and the environment.  I find it a bit amusing that this is something I wouldn't do for just me, for my own health.  Years of nagging myself to be more healthy and to lose weight didn't work, but put the focus on a cow or a chicken and I'm completely dedicated.  Why is it that I place more importance on a cow's life than my own?  I'm very happy that I'm reaping the benefits of changes I've made in the name of the cow and the chicken, but I realize it is a bit ass backwards. Whatever works.

So, as the title of this post states, I feel great!  I have been eating foods I have not tried until now.  I'm finding ways to be creative with my vegetarian choices and putting a lot of effort into my food shopping.  As much as possible, I 'm choosing organic and local foods.  I am no longer buying foods that have been shipped in from outside the country and will just have to wait until that food is available in the US.  Although I dearly miss my avocados, the thought of how much energy it takes to ship them here would cloud any happiness I might experience while eating them.  Please California, please send me avocados.  And yes, I realize that it takes quite a bit of energy to ship my friends from CA to MA, but my line in the sand is our country borders, and I have yet to see an avocado grown in New England.  If you find one, please let me know.

Back to feeling great.  My body is changing as some of my winter blubber is disappearing.  This is perfect timing as Spring is right around the corner and I won't be able to hide under sweaters for too much longer.  And when I say winter blubber, I am referring to the blubber I put on 10 winters ago, but who cares at this point.  I have found that I have more energy and my mind is more active.  I have noticed a shift from being under a cloud to now having my head above it and my brain is more engaged.  I'm still not getting a lot of sleep, but I believe I am sleeping better during those few hours, with less episodes of waking before the alarm.  I dare to say I am generally more happy/pleasant throughout the day.  All in all, I'm very happy with how I feel, and knowing I'm taking a stand for the cows and chickens.

I'll cover my research into eggs and the hens that lay them in my next post.  Spoiler alert: cage free eggs do not mean there are happy hens in the picture.  Until then my friends, eat and be merry.

More Food

The more I read, the more I realize how little thought I gave to what I was eating.  Since my last post, I have done a lot of thinking about food, the food supply, the impact on our environment, and the animals themselves.  A couple of statements in Alicia Silverstone's book, The Kind Diet, made me cringe.  Ok, I'll admit, I cried.  It was a tough read but it opened my eyes a bit wider.  I thought about all the resources that go into raising cattle, chickens, etc and thought about the quality of their lives and about the death of these animals.  When you really stop and give it meaningful thought, it affects you.  I don't mean to say that everyone should stop eating meat.  People need to make their own choices, but I do hope more people will pause and think about what they're eating.  Maybe one step is to make a conscious decision to not eat meat or eggs from animals that you know have not been raised in healthy conditions.  I'm pretty sure the chickens used for restaurants such as Boston Market have not been living in good conditions.  The volume is too great.  The conveniences of our lives have an effect on the animals used for that convenient food.  Maybe instead of grabbing an already cooked chicken with those yummy sides, we buy a chicken that has been raised without antibiotics being pumped into it, and cook up some natural potatoes and carrots and a great salad.  I don't want to come off as preaching now that I've decided to change my ways, but all of this has me much more aware of what I'm putting in my mouth and I'm hoping that others will think about that as well and consider different choices.

So picking up where I left off.....I had started eating more healthy and looking for grass fed beef and incorporating more fruits and vegetables into my diet.  The more I read, however, the more I was motivated to stop eating meat all together.  Its not just that an animal died for me to enjoy a steak.  And I do enjoy a nice ribeye.  It was the whole package - their living conditions, their health, how they are treated, how they are killed, how scared they are entering the slaughterhouse, the reasons go on and on.  I also thought a lot about the environmental impact and the statistics I read were shocking.  I was convinced that I wanted to make a change.  Ok. Step one, stop eating meat.  Then my head started spinning as I read more about the environmental impact of my fruits and vegetables.  Have you ever paid much attention to where your produce is coming from?  I definitely had not.  I was reading about going vegan and learning about a macrobiotic diet as well.  While I was not ready to jump completely to the other side, I decided it would be good to research it all and incorporate some of it into my eating.  From that I became aware of how much of our produce was transported in from other countries, and the energy used to bring in mangoes and other produce for me to have my pick of anything I want all year round.  I just never thought of it that way.  So I found myself walking through Whole Foods paying attention to the signs stating where every fruit and vegetable originates from and my eyes opened even wider.  By this time I was dizzy.  I skipped my favorite mango salsa and made every attempt to buy food as local as I could find it, shooting for within New England.  Let me tell you, the tomatoes grown in Maine this time of year are very expensive!!  I also looked for local, free range eggs.  I have learned that the eggs I've been feeling great about buying, the ones that say they are from cage free birds, are not as wonderful as they seem.  While the birds may not be stuffed in cages, which is a good thing, they are not allowed outside to breath fresh air and feel the sun on them.  That's not too much to ask, is it?  I now buy eggs from supposedly happy hens in Maine who do indeed walk around outside, have chats with their friends, enjoy some alone time when needed, and lay a damn tasty egg.  The eggs are prettier on the outside as well as having a bright orange yolk and a delicious flavor.  Ok, done?  Not so fast.  I also bought some tofu and soy based meat alternative and soy based veggie burgers and then in my next round of reading, discovered that isn't such a great choice.  It turns out that it takes a lot of energy to grow soy beans and create these wonderfully packaged foods, and a lot of the soy comes from outside the country.  Back to my research I went.  I learned about different protein sources and how various beans can be my friend.  I bought kidney beans and great northern beans in bulk and will for the first time in my life, soak and cook beans rather than scrape them out of a can.  I'm looking forward to trying interesting dishes with my beans.

So will I never again bite into a ribeye or enjoy an avocado without guilt about how far it travelled to get to my mouth?  I will eat avocados, but I will also buy as much local produce as I can.  I can't say I won't ever eat meat again.  This is something that I want to do now, and it will take effort for me to eat healthy vegetarian food.  I think about how easy it was for me to hit a drive-thru and get a burger and fries.  Cutting that out alone is a great positive change.  I'm experimenting with more food than I ever had before.  My refrigerator is full of fruits and vegetables and my cabinet is full of nuts and beans. I enjoy what I'm eating and I feel better.  It's what works for me and I'll make adjustments as I go.  I believe this is part of the process of me taking my life back, getting control over myself and getting back to that fun person who laughed a lot and did adventurous things.  McDonald's doesn't control me any longer and I am proud to say I am Big Mac free!!!!!  Ok, that was silly.  Good.

Food, Food, Complicated Food

I've had this subject on my mind for about 4 days and have been meaning to write it, but have been very busy grocery shopping, chopping, cooking, eating, and cleaning.  So let me back up a bit.  While awake very early in the morning, my usual routine, I was getting caught up on what my dvr had saved for me.  One was an Oprah episode about food.  She had on Michael Pollan, author of Food 101 and it blew me away.  Now, I've dabbled in healthy eating and have thought about the lives of the animals.  I buy cage free eggs because I can't stand to think about those poor things stuffed into crates, and I need to have the vision of a happy bird laying eggs for my nourishment.  I was a vegetarian for a few years back in the mid 90's but I wasn't a healthy one.  I just didn't eat meat.  It didn't stop me from eating potato chips.  I gave it up on my first Thanksgiving in California, when I just couldn't bear to skip the turkey.  I must say it took a while for my stomach to get used to processing meat again, so that evening wasn't a fun time for me.  Anyway, back to the point of this.  Michael Pollan had a lot of interesting points and I began thinking about the food I eat, how much of it was processed food, how the animals are treated, and it inspired me to make better choices about what I put in my mouth.  Oprah also discussed the documentary Food Inc.  I haven't watched it yet, but she showed a clip and I know I need to prepare myself to watch it, but it won't be easy.  One point that really grabbed me was the comparison of the percent of an American's income spent on food years ago (high), and the percent spent on healthcare (low).  Since that time, the amount of income we now spend on food is greatly reduced, but the amount we spend on healthcare is becoming higher and higher.  We're eating ourselves into diabetes and death.  It was also pointed out that a family of 4 can eat more cheaply at a fast food restaurant than they can if they bought fresh vegetables and meat at a grocery store, so people are incentivized to eat unhealthy food.

As I listened to the show I thought about the dinner I had made the night before; pasta mixed with Velveeta cheese, salsa, and ground turkey.  It was easy and tasty.  Trust me, I don't use Velveeta frequently, but ease of a meal had been winning out for a long time.  I was inspired to make a change and think about the quality of the food and the lives of the animals I was consuming.  Next stop?  Whole Foods.  I bought my favorite fresh mango salsa, kale and apples for my juicer (but I forgot the carrots!!), and I ventured out of my comfort zone and picked up coconut milk.  Not the thick kind in a can, but alongside the milk and soy milk.  Coconut milk!  I'm willing to give it a try.  I also foraged through the nuts and granolas and packed up non-salted and non-sweetened pecans and walnuts.  I also bought grass-fed beef; 2 small steaks and ground beef.  If they had to die, I'm happy knowing they were munching on grass as they should, and not corn or even worse, their own cousins.  To top it all off, I discovered Whole Foods muesli bread.  Now you will rarely find me typing this but.....OMG.  This bread has nuts, seeds, fruits, and probably a few trees in it.  It is absolutely delicious and I wish I could fall asleep with a warm loaf next to me in bed.

Since my shopping trip, I've done a pretty good job of preparing dinner for my Mother and myself.  Last night we had spinach with a little dressing, cut up pears, a handful of nuts, chunks of avocado and some super sharp cheddar because I just love cheddar.  Muesli bread also made an appearance.  Tonight we had basmati rice (yes, brown rice would have been better but I'm not perfect).  I also included sauteed asparagus and sauteed mushrooms, and a mixture of cherry tomatoes, mozzarella hunks and balsamic vinegar and olive oil.  I had already killed off the basil I purchased last week.  For my work lunches and snacks so far this week (two whole days), I've brought nuts for all day nibbling, muesli bread because I don't go anywhere without it now, cheddah (said with a Boston accent), pears, and hummus.

I haven't done the juicing yet.  I need to pick up some carrots as they are the main ingredient for my juice.  I add kale, apples, pears, and anything else in my kitchen that I think will juice well.  I use beets when I have them, but you must use them sparingly as the flavor is quite strong and it will overpower everything else.  It really makes a delicious drink.

I know there will be days when I want a hot bowl of french fries, and I'll have them occasionally.  I'm aiming to make more good choices than bad, and fit a bit of exercise in.  Its a good goal.

Before I go I must update you on the cat's diet.  I believe I mentioned before that I was switching them all to a more healthy food.  I've played around with it a bit and am still serving up the Ziwi Peak and have added in raw food from Especially for Pets, the best pet food store around.  I also use Addiction cat food and have noticed BIG changes in the last 2 weeks.  First of all, we don't all run and hide when they use the litter boxes.  My Mother's in-law apartment is small so when a cat would do his poopadoop, it would stink up the place and my Mother would have to put on the ceiling fan to try to move the gas cloud out.  I realized yesterday that there hasn't been a stinky turd in at least a week.  In addition, my two old boys who live with me have increased energy.  The one who uses stairs to get onto my bed (yes, I bought him pet steps) actually jumped onto my bed last night.  That hasn't happened in years!  I'm feeling good about these changes and feeling good that my cats are no longer eating more healthy than I am.

I'll keep you all posted on our progress, human and feline.  I'll be sure to write and let you know how the coconut milk went down.