Add It To The List

Ok, I get that the point of having a blog is to frequently add to it. I did the same thing with my journal. I would write a lot, then nothing for long periods of time. I felt I had nothing interesting to write about. Yes, that's right, I didn't want to bore myself with the mundane details of my own life. Actually, my life isn't all that mundane. I simply struggle with all I have to or want to do. I don't like having a lot hanging over my head, but I've arranged my life to have exactly that. I have lists. I have physical lists. I have mental lists. I have lists on paper and lists on my computer and lists on my iPhone, and I think I will start a list on my iPad. I need to create a master list of where all my lists are, and a list of any passwords I may have set up to access these lists. I also need to take a screen shot of my brain so I can view the mental list as I keep forgetting the items on that. I lose the lists. I have stray pieces of paper with lists of important things to remember. I stick them places where, at the time, seem to be quite logical but when I need those lists, I can't find them. Then when I'm frantically looking for something else, I come across a stray list and I put it on a desk or table or something logical to start an important pile.

Oh yes, I have piles. I have stacks of piles containing many important lists and other documents. I have piles of mail. Some of those piles are of opened mail. Most of the piles are of unopened mail. I hate mail. Mail is evil. Mail is depressing. Nothing good arrives in the mail. When is the last time you received a nice hand written note from a friend in the mail? Mail contains bills. Mail contains credit card offers. Mail contains attitude. There's attitude in mail looking for me to donate to a cause. It makes me feel badly that I would let children in other countries starve to death or go without clean water. It scolds me for allowing animals to be abused or used for cosmetic testing. It tells me I'm inadequate for not staying on top of the latest fashion trends. It is disgusted by the fact that I'm not trying every diet imaginable to lose my excess belly fat. So it gets piled until I feel emotionally strong enough to acknowledge all my shortcomings and then create another pile for the sensitive mail I need to shred. After all, I don't want those guys at the recycling center to start obtaining credit cards in my name because I didn't shred all the offers I've received. The thought of my personal info being on display for the world of recyclers to see is too much to handle. Then I think about how I can get a free credit report each year to see who has been stealing my personal info, but I keep forgetting to. That's on my mental list. Ah, but now it is also on my blog so I will have to remember to read all entries occasionally to see what I needed to tell myself to remember.

By now you may have a little more insight as to why I'm always so tired. I exhaust myself. I worry. I think. I put things off because I don't have the energy to make a decision or take action at the time. It gets piled up back onto the mental list or a string of e-mails I need to respond to or a blog I need to update or a donation I need to make for my friend's walk a thon even though that foundation will send me more mail to thank me for my donation and then endless piles of mail to ask me for more donations which I feel should be shredded and then it ends up back in that pile which has now been moved to a large bag because the pile was toppling over. Exhaustion.

Some people like lists. They like pulling it out because they know exactly where it is. That makes them feel good, in control, and a bit smug. Then they like crossing items off their list. That makes them feel accomplished and they get to move on to the next item, probably in order of placement on the list. In contrast, lists annoy me. I like the start of a list, a blank slate with so many possibilities. I have grand thoughts of becoming one of those accomplished, smug individuals just by creating a list. But as soon as I place my first item on the list I know it will end up at the bottom of my bag with someone's number written on the back or floating somewhere in my car with chewed gum stuck to it because I can't toss the gum out the window in case some bird tried to eat it and it became lodged in it's throat. I've seen the consequences of that. I think the Humane Society sent me a piece of mail asking for my help for gum choking birds.