I've Been Away

I had been day dreaming for quite a while about my life after my Mother no longer lived with me. I loved my Mother and I worked hard to keep her at home, but at the same time I longed for my life before my parents moved in. I wanted to wake up on a weekend morning and have no particular reason to get out of bed. I wanted to make last minute plans to meet up with friends. I wanted to go food shopping without getting coverage for my Mother at home. As my Mother progressed I went deeper into my project management role, trying to keep it all together and ensure she was taken care of. I wasn't allowing myself to become emotional as I didn't know for how long I needed to hold it together. When I realized that her time was nearing the end, I was actually surprised. A few days before her passing, it dawned on me that I was losing my Mother. I had not looked at it that way. I was so focused on making sure she received her medication, that she was bathed, that she was eating, that she was happy, that I wasn't realizing that I would be without my Mother. How could this have snuck up on me after taking care of her for so long, knowing the path she was on? After my Mother passed, I had all the free time I had been dreaming about. I found myself, however, not knowing what to do with my free time. I came home from work and hung out in the attached apartment where she had lived. It was the routine I knew and that's what I had to do. I knew it would eventually pass and it did. I stopped spending time in her apartment watching tv and instead moved my gym equipment there. I went on a few get aways and saw old friends. Strangely, I found myself less productive after her passing. I had myself so scheduled and found that after I dropped my schedule, I wasn't making time for the gym, for boxing, for proper food shopping. I was more healthy when my Mother was with me! I'm adjusting to this new phase of life and making efforts to continue my workouts, but at home rather than the gym. If I have the equipment here, I should use it. I talk to my Mother occasionally when I pass through her apartment. I miss her jokes, her singing, her nagging about wanting Dunkin Donuts, and her love of all things alcohol. I don't miss the struggles of dealing with care providers, of watching her progress, or the times I let my frustration get the better of me. I have my life back to myself, but I wish I could have a few more days with the funny lady from her healthy days. She will be missed.